Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?