Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.