Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

me when somebody idk start touching me

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.