Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

I put the mess in domestic.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food