“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
It’s not like I can let everyone on facebook know that I am actually a sexually deprived, unshaven, drunken mess.
So I tell everyone here.
Previously On Persistence 😎