@rancheroni

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

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@flashember

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

@joeljeffrey

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

@RobertJrDowney

Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

@NickBSawyer

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

@AndyAsAdjective

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

@Talkative_Julie

It’s not like I can let everyone on facebook know that I am actually a sexually deprived, unshaven, drunken mess.

So I tell everyone here.