Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one