Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

How animals would run if they were human

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

my love language is being sent money

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE