@BlindChow

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

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@ChaseMit

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

@TravZA

If you’re going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I’m sorry, I lost a bet.

@MNateShyamalan

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

@FeelingMervis

DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.

@SuperJuanderer

If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses

@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*