{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.