{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree