Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.