Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy