Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before