Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Noah
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.