Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
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my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.