Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
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Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
