Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Okay, I’m still confused…

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.