Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
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My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
New tinder profile pic
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.