football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
There is no “we” in pizza
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice