Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face