Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

One venti cheeseburger please.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

it’s either covid or clever vampires

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

2022: I can fix it

Rather alarming headline…

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.