Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho