Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.