Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
#Caturday
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The Compass
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.