For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.