Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

BRAKING NEWS!!

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?