Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wtf

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

the icebreaker

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours