Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

Finally

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography