For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
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*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.