Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
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A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.