For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.

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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”


If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!


There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.


*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*


I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.


Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything


God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*


Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.



Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.