For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics
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federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I love texting my boyfriend
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Cheer up.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say