For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.