Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on