Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Still my favourite meme.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room