Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants