You Might Also Like
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: