For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
