For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
We need to put an American base on the sun
