For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
smartest karate player in the world
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.