Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

i could never be president. im overqualified.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames