Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

I’m not wrong

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …