Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Hello Twits.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

i really liked this one

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]