for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur