For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.