Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.