Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Artwork by Herta Burbe

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

What the hell happened in there??

The answer is funnier than the question

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

R.I.P.