Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

this is literally a CIA plant

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.