Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.