For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Cats are still liquid.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
At least my masseuse has my back.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
like swimming in quick dry cement
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*