For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.