For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.