Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma