Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

🦝🔥🦝🔥

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”