for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Blew out my flip flop…
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help