for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week đź‘€
I think about this a lot
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
i dont have time for this
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
