For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I try
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
why am I working on Labor Day
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
dude it’s called proctologist
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”