For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You Might Also Like
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.