For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.