For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You Might Also Like
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.