Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

biblically accurate fire hydrant

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

White Castle for the Win

Oh we’ve met.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it