For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
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Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips