For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
You Might Also Like
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Put the is in disheveled
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
He instantly became one of the bros
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat