For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.