For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Breaking news:
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”