For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
never deleting this app.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car