For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.