Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Pikachu found the lost joint

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Sign at work today

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…