Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence