For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
You Might Also Like
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)