Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

My support group can outdrink your support group.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

not to brag, but mine was free

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”