Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

This week’s mood.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.