For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.