For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Yes, but it was never about money
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
awesome draft from months ago i just found
