Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

ㅤ

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.