Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis