Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

peak technology

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

This is always good for a laugh.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.