For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night