Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]