Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Something Saturday.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.