For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Festive toon…
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.